Crimes
I noticed on a thread the other day the following list of trumpet crimes and associated fines. I agree with these wholeheartedly:
MUSICAL OFFENCE AND FINE
Playing highest note possible in warm- up £100
Sound-checking mic with obnoxious jazz licks £15
Raising hand after mistake £15
Practicing multiple tonguing not called for on gig £15
Blacking out after high note £20
Obnoxiously show-offy warm-up £25
Taking tuning note up an octave £25
Vibrato on unison passage £50
Failure to use 3rd valve slide £50
Playing B-flat when band tunes to A £75
Being told by conductor to play louder £400
Failure to swing £1000
LEAD PLAYERS
Changing mouthpieces mid-song £10
Faking section into early entrance £20
Faking self into early entrances £25
Missing high lick, then mentioning previous gig(s) £25
Asking conductor if it’s ok to take a lick up £25
Asking conductor if it’s ok to take a lick down £400
Taking a lick down that you took up in rehearsal £100
Missing last note of “In the Mood” £200
SECTION/NON-LEAD PLAYERS
Missing entrance when lead drops out £15
Pointing out to the lead that guy on the record took that last lick up £20
Attempting unassigned lick biffed by lead £50
Asking lead what mouthpiece he uses £75
Hanging over past lead on last chord £100
Attempting to out-screech lead on last chord £100
Successfully out-screeching lead at any time £500
EQUIPMENT VIOLATIONS
Playing with screw on rim £10
Polishing horn on stage £15
Dropping mute £10
Dropping horn: Repairs + £20
Dropping dead: Warning
Forgetting pencil £20
Forgetting mute(s) £50 each
Forgetting bowtie or socks £30
Forgetting mouthpiece £30
Forgetting magazine £100
Blaming mistake on sticky valves £25
Getting marble or similar object stuck down bell £75
CRIMINAL BAD TASTE
Having nicest gig-bag in section £10
Talking about the great deal you got on a new horn £10
Hawking old horn on bandstand £10
Quoting Herb Alpert or Mangione Song £25
Farting on bandstand £25
Defecating on bandstand £75
Practicing legit style on swing gig £35
Discussing how plentiful gigs were in the old days £50
Beginning a sentence with “When I played for Kenton…” £50
Casually mentioning to Musical Director of cheap theatre that you also play keyboards £100
BASIC STUPIDITY
Playing on a Jet-tone mouthpiece £25
Continually asking “where are we? £25
Drunkenness on stage £50
Stoned on stage £50
Pretending to be friends with a trombone player £200
Actually being friends with a trombone player £750
Dating a trombone player £3000
Loaning money to bone player £4x amount loaned
Sitting next to conductor at meals £100
And I think that its worth paying 10 quids to be allowed to play with a screw rim 
simon said,
March 10, 2007 @ 1514 GMT
I remember in a school band pursuading the whole bass section to play certain sections of music a semitone high and then to complain about how flat everyone else was - surprisingly it turns out if you are confident in your accusations you can often get away with it - even when it’s your word against the oboes.
I didn’t see a fine for this on the list although I like to assume in a more ‘professional’ environment it would be harder to pull off?
I remember a great passtime back then was sabotaging other people’s instuments - slipping a small piece of paper between keys or sections of an instrument can cause such intersting results and can often take some time to detect and remedy
I also feel that my friend Robin’s suggestion of having a quick Guiness during the interval at a big concert where I was playing bass clarinet was worthy of a fine - sufice to say that large single reeds do not benefit from being coated in stout.
:-S